Say it Ain’t So
Dear god, I just saw Osi Umenyiora hocking some product called “5 Hour Energy.” My main concern is what he said, which was, that he takes it before games. Someone needs to find out if this is a banned substance immediately.
I wrote this yesterday and here is why I didn’t post it. I drank a bottle of 5 hour energy drink last night at 8pm and here is what I found out.
1) It makes you fidget, but not a normal fidget. Think about the guys in trainspotting trying to detox, that type of fidget. Yep, so I was fidgeting like an animal, or a cartoon character on the Dr. Katz’s show (remember? Comedy central…all the characters trembled?…eh forget it).
2) It makes you pee….not like a normal pee, like an aggressive I could kill someone with my stream pee. It was as though my bladder had been replaced with an 80 year old woman’s and then someone made me drink a gallon of water. By the time I got to the bathroom I was ready to burst like a fire hydrant. I definitely broke Tom Hanks’s record in “A League of Their Own” Remember? Madonna is timing him? Yeah, you get it.
3) It makes you violently hungry. I say violently because I wolfed down chicken fingers and disco fries like a Lion at a kill. In fact at one point my friend Q reached for a fry and I tried to bite his hand. I actually tried to bite a friend’s hand, think about that.
4) It makes you pass out. At 4:37am I found myself naked on my floor with a gash on my neck and the remote control to my Television was duct taped to my hand. Did I mention that I found my pants in the freezer…All in all I would say 5 hour energy drink is beyond a good time, thanks Osi .
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