It was a battle between the incumbent New York Giants and the challenging Dallas Cowboys. The Giants looked to continue their winning ways, while the Cowboys fought for change. We all knew it would be an emotional battle that came down to a few hot-button issues. Let’s take a look at how each team faired!

Economy- The hottest of all hot-button issues this year. With the market down, owner Jerry Jones got frugal and gave coach Wade Phillips only 183 total yards to work with. The Cowboys were not economical with these yards, and were able to cash in for just 1 offensive touchdown. The Giants had a Bull market, spending 319 yards on 5 touchdowns, including 200 yards by the NFL’s most cost-effective rush offense (5.2 yards per carry).

Advantage: Giants

Taxes- The Cowboys, the most penalized team in the country, were taxed 9 times for a total of 55 yards. The Giants, however, found themselves in the highest tax bracket on Sunday; penalized 8 times for 65 yards. It was an uncharacteristically sloppy performance, although 15 of the penalty yards came via a bogus personal foul when Justin Tuck (legally) mauled Brooks Bollinger like he was a “My Buddy” doll. I can live with this penalty because the NFL always encourages refs to be quick with the whistle when a franchise quarterback such as Brooks Bollinger, the face of the league, are in trouble. Bollinger attempted to decline the penalty and bring on the punting unit so as to preserve his body from the incessant beating he was facing, but to no avail.

Advantage: Cowboys

Education- The Giants’ play calling did a great job of blending the run and the pass, a balance that led the offense to one of its most complete performances of the year. Wade Phillips’ idea of strategizing was having both Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger wear a helmet on the sideline to confuse the Giants’ defense as to which quarterback was going to play each series. This is like trying to psych out the birthday boy by hanging up 2 piñatas and not telling him which one has the candy inside. Either way, they’re both getting the crap beat out of them.

Advantage: Giants/ Birthday Boy

Security- The Giants had their worst game in terms of keeping Eli Manning secure, allowing the Cowboys to sack him 4 times. What worries me the most is that 70% of the sacks that the Giants have allowed this year have come in Giants stadium, which points to a weakness in homeland security. The Giants defense kept on keeping on, sacking Dallas quarterbacks 4 times, including 2.5 by Secretary of Defense Justin Tuck.

Advantage: Even

Energy- The Cowboys defense often looked tired and uninterested and wanted no part of tackling Brandon Jacobs or Derrick Ward. The Cowboys’ offense tried, but just couldn’t muster anything up without Tony Romo. Too stubborn to look for alternative energy sources, the Cowboys went without a fight. The Giants seemed to feed off the crowd energy and I think I saw Mathias Kiwanuka refueling himself with home-brewed ethanol.

Advantage: Giants

Environment- Giants stadium was rowdy, but even more impressive was the environment at my friend Andy’s house, where I watched the game. We fit 4 people onto a couch that was made to fit 3 comfortably (including my contagiously sick sister) and 75% of us did not complain.

Advantage: Me

Free Trade- Both teams were free to make a trade at the deadline a couple weeks ago. The Cowboys opted to trade for Roy Williams, who caught only 1 pass for 28 yards. The Giants decided against trading for Tony Gonzalez, throwing a vote of confidence towards Kevin Boss. Boss finished with 3 receptions for 30 yards and a touchdown.

Advantage: Giants

Gun Control- The Giants kept the Cowboys’ big guns Terrell Owens and Marion Barber under control. Despite often being hyped as the top receiver and running back in the NFC, the two combined for only 78 yards and a garbage-time touchdown. The Giants’ big guns, Plaxico Burress and Brandon Jacobs, exploded for 151 yards and a touchdown and Derrick Ward rifled in for 89 yards and a touchdown. Wade Phillips shaved his arms in an attempt to show his support for the 2^nd amendment.

Advantage: Giants

Abortion- The Cowboys had 4 drives aborted by turnovers, while the Giants aborted 3 drives of their own. The Cowboys’ lone highlight came when Mike Jenkins returned an Eli Manning interception 23 yards for a touchdown. The Giants defensive line rode the Cowboys’ quarterback carousel like they were some sort of wooden animal attached to a rotating platform at a carnival. The defense picked off 3 passes (including 2 by the suddenly dominant Corey Webster) and the offense scored 21 points off of turnovers.

Advantage: Giants

Housing- Wade Phillips might want to think about selling his house in preparation of getting run out of town.

Advantage: Jason Garrett

Health Care- The Cowboys’ plan for replacing the injured Tony Romo was the two headed monster of the inexperienced Brooks Bollinger and the overexperienced Brad Johnson. The Giants’ plan for whatever QBs replaced Romo was to force them into the turf with their bodies. The Giants’ plan worked better.

Advantage: Giants

So after tallying the electoral votes, and after numerous re-counts, it seems that the Giants are victorious by a wide margin (about 35-14). Here’s to 4 more years of Giants Super Bowls!

Bonehead of the Week: Non-voters

If you’ve already voted, I thank you.

If you haven’t, stop reading this and vote already!

This could be the most important Pro Bowl in years and you aren’t even going to cast your ballot? Last year 13 Dallas Cowboys made the Pro Bowl. You know how many Giants made it? One. That’s the lowest total of any Super Bowl Champion ever, in the history of champions.

Who do we have to thank for this? I’ll tell you who: You. Those of you that didn’t vote are responsible for the infestation of Dallas Cowboys representing the NFC. Those of you that did vote…well you must have voted for the Cowboys. Shame on you.

You may be thinking “I don’t give a hoot about the Pro Bowl…” Well you may not, but the players do. Half of them end up pulling out anyway, but it is an honor and a privilege to be named an All Pro.

Our forefathers fought to give us the freedom of democracy, and this is how you thank them? It is your right as an American (although I guess anyone can do it) to go online and Sack the Vote!

Vote early and often and send your favorite New York Giants to the Pro Bowl!