Paper Tigers
Alright alright, we get it, “the season starts now.” I just finished reading this very quote in 4 different newspapers, and on 3 major online sporting websites. Boomer Esiason was kind enough to call the Giants “paper tigers,” which is odd, because he also predicted the Cowboys would win the East. If anyone is a paper tiger, whatever that means, wouldn’t it be the boys?
Boomer is right to a degree. The Giants have played 6 teams with a combined 12-27 record. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, has played 6 teams with a 13-24 record, so I guess both teams are dangerous animals on paper. A side note, the NFL has been nice enough to let the other 6 games count. The terms, “trap game” and “any given Sunday” are used for a reason. Just ask the Cowboys who were lambasted by the 2-4 Rams. (Sorry, but taking shots at Jerry Jones comes as natural to me as fearing sharks in my parents’ pool. What, It could happen?)
Make no mistake, this will be the best team the Giants have played to date. And now I will write the phrase that everyone must refer to when discussing this game. This could be a “Superbowl Preview.” (Shoot me dead) Over under on Fox mentioning “Superbowl preview” on Sunday stands at 10. Pittsburgh boasts the NFL’s best defense. James Harrison and Lamar Woodley are two insanely muscular men who have no qualms doing bad things to good people and bad people for that matter. Between the two of them, they have more sacks then 20 other teams combined. The Steelers feast on Quarterbacks and have dined on rival signal callers, a league leading, 25 times.
Running on the Steelers is as impossible as pretending you have never watched a VH1 reality show. I tried this feat at a bar last weekend, but my cover was blown when someone asked what is the name of the guy who host’s “The Pick up Artist,” and like an excited little girl, I yelled out “MYSTERY…It’s MYSTERY…..I mean….I suck.” Sorry, but “The Pick up Artist” is hilarious and pathetic all at the same time ( which seems to be a running theme for all VH1 Shows….ooh ooh celebrity rehab is starting soon…I do suck). The Steelers allow 69.7 rush yards per game, good for second in the NFL. Passing on the Steelers is harder then claiming you’ve never watched Sex and the City when your wife, or girlfriend, was out of town. It’s pretty good actually, but I was quite disturbed when my dad decided to sit me down and talk about the movie with me. Too much! The Steelers allow 158.7 passing yards a game, good for 1st in the NFL.
Take a breath Giant fans, this is not the equivalent of facing your mortal enemy Zod or Mothra, or Cobra Kai or Darth Vader or Megatron or the sisters in Shawshank…… or, ok you get the point. There is a silver lining. The Steelers rank 25th in total offense and have been susceptible to the sack, giving up 19 on the year. Not to mention the fact that the Giants offensive line has now been intact, for a record, 22 straight games (why did I just write that?) and has given up 6 sacks all year. Then there is this, the Steelers predicate themselves on having great linebackers year in and year out, which makes sense for a 3-4 defense. That said, not one of their backers is bigger then the baby bulldozer, Brandon Jacobs.
Injuries to Bryant McFadden (out) Troy Polamalu (questionable) and Willie Parker are cause for concern. An aside, if the Ladanian Tomlinson/ Troy Palamalu commercial doesn’t make you want to tackle your unsuspecting, next door neighbor, then you are officially a Trekkie, or unamerican, one or the other. As smash mouth as this game appears, both teams rely on the intermediate/deep balls just as much as the run. The key match-ups are the battle of front sevens. Whomever gets to the Quarterback more often will win this game (shocking analysis, I know). After Justin Tuckmade the Niners single coverage look silly, teams should be back to doubling him on every down. Look for Fred Robbins and Mathias Kiwanuka to have big games. Plaxico Burress is still, by far, the best wideout on the Giants and I assume he will want to light up his old team. I presume he will be able to do this, because, as we all know, Plaxico does whatever the f*$k he wants.
Giants 24 Steelers 20
I am officially (I had a ref come in and check it) 30-13 on the year. Here are some more picks.
Washington at Detroit – Apparently they do not teach the safety rule at Quarterback U, otherwise known as Conneticut college. This is the only way I can believe that Dan Orlovsky not only ran out of the end-zone, but then continued to try and find an open receiver while the defense celebrated. This is the ultimate trap game for Washington. But the problem is Detroit lacks..um….well, they lack talent. In a close one Washington 228 Detroit 10
Buffalo at Miami - I went out with my buddy Q, a Bills fan, on Sunday to watch the 1 o’clock games. Here is our conversation as the second half started:
Me – How has Kavika Mitchell done so far?
Q – Eh, not bad, nothing special, but he seems to help on the run.
Me – Weird, he made a bunch of big plays for us.
2 minutes after this conversation Kavika picked off Phillip Rivers. Minutes later he sacked Rivers and forced a fumble. Q’s response to this: “If you don’t mention a different Bill in every one of your posts I will kill you. That was amazing.” Here goes, hey Bills fans how has Donte Whitner done so far this year? Bills 24 Miami 17
St Louis at New England – Benching Marc Bulger is like not wearing your lucky boxers on a big date, only nothing like that at all. The Patriots look great one game and horrifying the next. They’re like a Bi-polar teen who just scored a date with the prom queen only to be dumped for Herman the chess club president. The Rams offense has started to get going, but the greatest show on turf it isn’t, or ain’t, not sure which. New England 30 St Louis 20
Tampa at Dallas – Whenever you make a trade and your buddy says “if they win the Superbowl it was worth it” you have officially made a panic trade. Again, if the Cowboys do win it, the Roy Williams trade should be lauded, but the problem is, in a 32 team league where injuries are the norm, chances are slim. The Cowboys do have extra picks, but giving up a 1st, a 3rd, and a 6th is bat sh#t insane. It’s up there with the Herschel Walker/ Ricky Williams trades. Even more stunning, Williams welcomed himself to the Cowboys with 0 catches, killing all hopes of Dallas fans routing for their new hero, and destroying my fantasy week. Still, the Cowboys are not as bad as they looked against the Rams, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how old man Johnson will move the ball against a vaunted Buccaneers defense. Jeff Garcia ranks up there with Brett Favre and Donovan Mcnabb as quarterbacks who will drive opposing fans crazy with the most bizarre plays and I suspect he will pull something out of his hat on Sunday as well. It should be noted (noting) that Earnest Graham has transformed himself into an excellent fullback. The Cowboys just don’t seem to be built for adversity and these are adverse times. Tampa 23 Dallas 20
Kansas City at New York – Due to the New York market, Giant fans have been treated to Jets/Raiders and now Jets/Chiefs in back to back weeks. This is like the time my ex said this when eluding to a surprise birthday gift: “think Sunday, tickets and blue.” I was so excited, I went out and bought a new Shockey jersey. That Sunday I found myself covered in toilet paper while watching the Blue man group. I taped the Giants game, 3 weeks later we were no longer together. I would say this is a trap game for the Jets, but the fact that they lost to the Raiders means they can’t overlook ANYONE. As I told my friend Faz, “you have to work real hard to make the Raiders look good.” 3 fumbles, 2 interceptions and 7 penalties later the Jets lost in OT. In order to lose to the Chiefs and their 91st QB, they will have to work even harder. Even the Jets aren’t that good, or bad, again not sure. Jets 28 Chiefs 17
Seattle at San Francisco - As my ex would say when being presented with a plate of seafood Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww San Francisco 28 Seattle 24 – and nobody outside of San Francisco or Seattle cares, maybe not even them.
Just a few select games this week because that’s what a pro does, he gets too lazy to write about every game…daammmn pro’s.
