I am no longer Mike Martz’s Medulla Oblongata.  I am officially off the schneid (whatever a schneid is – and why was I on it?), going 11-2 last last week. My overall record is 31-12, because I did not pick week one, because that’s what pro’s do, they leave out week one (stop asking so many questions, you question asker).

Strange bye week for the Gmen. Plaxico is a no show, Ware gets arrested, and I start writing for Sports Illustrated, and by Sports ILLustrated I mean a stand up comedian performing all over NYC (baby-steps people). Let’s get straight to the picks I’m horny (re-reading that I see there is no correlation between the two, weird)

Seattle at New York – Domin Ezay Vchamana Chay  – This is apparently Dutch for “I’m Old as hell, get me an Amstel Light… NOW.” If you haven’t seen this Amstel LIght commercial your not watching enough football. With the Giants having a bye week I missed the old man. As bad as I missed him, it pails in comparison to how much Matt Hasselback missed Bobby Engram and Deon Branch. Hassleback’s leading wide reciever’s leading up to this week are Billy McMullen and a bag of nickels. The bag actually had 5 catches in 3 games, impressive for a bag. Seattle was so desperate for receivers the Giants dangled Santana Moss. Apparently the Seahawks preferred the bag, not good for Sinorice. With Branch and Engram back Hassleback has many more options, well 2 to be exact. Julius Jones, brother of Thomas Jones (Jets), father to Felix Jones (Cowboys), cousin to Adam Jones (Cowboys), nephew to Kevin Jones (Bears), sister to Dhani Jones (Bengals), grandfather of Jerry Jones (Cowboys) father in law to Jason Jones (Titans) is having a great year, averaging 5.1 a carry. The Seahawks defense, lead by Bed Bath and Beyond’s wash-cloth line, The ”Lofa Tatupa,” plays a lot of 8 man fronts to disrupt the running game. Julian Peterson is one of the most overlooked LB’s in the league and his versatility is the key to Seattles 3-4 defense. Offensively, I think this will be another game where Ahmad Bradshaw plays a factor, as he did against Tampa’s eight man front’s last year. Seattle’s defense sits at 7th in the NFC, but they are allowing an alarming 226 passing yards a game, to the Giants 167 passing yards allowed, good for number one in the NFC.  Seattle will force Eli to throw down field, so Domenick Hixon, Amani Toomer and Steve Smith must be big factors. There is no doubt the Giants have depth at wideout but this is a game that Plaxico could have dominated. Mario Manningham may see his first action of the year, despite recently becoming a bridezilla and insanely losing 5 pounds before his big wedding day (ok he was sick, but that phenomenon has to stop. It’s terrifying and the weight normally gets lost in all the wrong places). Seattle is getting healthy, but they haven’t shaken out the rust just yet.  Look for Eli to have a big day, if Kareem Mckenzie can handle Patrick Kerney. Oh lord, why did I just write that? There is no doubt Kerney will now end up with 4 sacks and a forced fumble, as long as he doesn’t chew off Eli’s arm, things should be alright (anti jinx)  Giants 28 Seahawks 20 

Chicago at Detroit – I firmly believe the Cardinals and the Lions are the exact same teams. Great wide outs, shaky quarterbacks and both teams break out in hives when the word defense is mentioned. If Brian Urlacher eats running backs for a living, Lance Briggs eats them whole, regurgitates them, flavors them with garlic and then eats them again. In fact, he played last weeks game with Correl Bucholter’s body awkwardly sticking out of his stomach like a python who just ate. I am still waiting for a defensive end to hit Kyle Orton so hard his beard falls off, but that’s not going to happen with the Lions front 4. And yet, for some odd reason, I like Detroit in Detroit.  I am Mike Martz’s pancreas (Fight club reference, anyone?). Lions 27 Bears 20 - absolutely disgusted with myself. 

Kansas City at Carolina- This is a bizzaro game because these team NEVER play each other. The last time the Chiefs were in Carolina Tony Gonzalez was a rookie, the horse and buggy was the main means of transportation, and you could buy your goodly wife a fine, fat goose for only 3 straw pennies (um…I’m saying Gonzalez is old and these teams haven’t played since 1893, which is more commonly known as 1997). I made the mistake of writing Larry Johnson off, but can you blame me? Yes you can, but KC has a history of running backs who should be on “Unsolved Mysteries.” I can just imagine Robert Stack saying this “Everything was normal for Christian Okoye that day, until Steve Atwater hit him into oblivion. Okoye was last seen hitchhiking on the 40 yeard line of Arrowhead stadium. He may go by the name ”The Nigerian Nightmare” but either way he should be considered large and scary. If you see him, call me. It is said that he may also know the whereabouts of Barry Word, who rushed for over 3000 yards in the NFL, and  was never heard from again. Wherever he is, he is probably hitchhiking.”  Carolina 31 Kansas City 24 – based on no analysis – in deee face!

Atlanta at Green Bay – With Green Bay’s front seven hurting there is a chance Michael “Thighs” Turner has another big day. Turner’s thighs should be on be on the Jerry Farwell show, because they have inspired me to find god (wow, that’s weird). This game probably comes down to Aaron Rodgers ability to play through a shoulder sprain. I am greatly disappointed that Atari Bigbie is not playing this week, if for no other reason then the fact that his parents had the intestinal fortitude to name him after their favorite gaming console. Please meet my son Wii “Mariocart” Jacks for short we call him Contra, or up up down down left right left right…..you get where I’m going. Green Bay 24 Atlanta 20

San Diego at Miami  – Despite the fact that Tony Sparano out-coached one of the greatest outcoacher’s (it’s a word, look it up) of all time (Bellicheck), the Dolphins still can’t get passed one glaring issue. They really aren’t very good. Anyone can out coach Norval Eugene Turner, but odds are it doesn’t matter much. The Dolphins did take Tedd Ginn Jr. over Brady Quinn right? Just checking, because Ginn has eight catches on the year and seems to be Pennington’s third option at best. Oh and ESPN lists Ginn as “Ted JR. Ginn.” Well Ted Jr. is struggling and if he gets matched up with Antonio Cromartie he might as well wear a massive diaper (I have no clue why, but that would be fun to see). San Diego 30 Miami 17

Washington at Philadelphia – Since the Giants made the Redskins offense look like a Pop Warner team, they have been rolling. Philadelphia is a lot better with Desean Jackson emerging as a star, but they are still considerably weaker without Brian “NOT MICHAEL” Westbrook (a mistake I seem to make every week). Westrbrook is supposed to play Sunday and falling to 2-3 in the NFC East would be a disaster. The Eagles should play with the desperation of a 54 year old cougar in a room full of gay models. Look for Trent Cole to treat Jason Campbell like the All Spark and put him inside his Optimus Prime stomach (Transformers, no? Really? Oh just not funny, oh ok, thats different). Philadelphia 28 Washington 23

Tennessee at Baltimore - Joe Flacco may be a rookie, but he can make any NFL throw, and held his own against a stout Steelers defense. Corteland Finnegan, or as Mike Francessa calls him Cornell Finnery, brings his most racially confusing name to Baltimore and he is quickly becoming a stud. If Pittsburgh’s defense is stout, Tennessee’s is morbidly obese. Tough draw for Flacco as a rookie, but it looks like the Ravens finally have the quarterback Brian Billick never found. Beware of Keith Bullock, he has been known to kidnap rookie quarterbacks. It is rumored that he has been holding Heath Shuler and Andre Ware captive for over aq decade. Unfortunately no one seems to care. Wait, Shuler may be a congressman, um replace him with Akili Smith.  Tennesse 20 Baltimore 14

Indianapolis at Houston  - The other night I went to a bar with my friend Matt. At some point I walked into the bathroom stall as he was leaving. He yelled out “F it up bro.” I thought it was quite funny and cool so I promised myself to repeat the phrase later in the night. Apparently I had a few more drinks then I thought because the next time I went to the bathroom I saw a guy going into the stall and I yelled out “F YOU BRO.” To which he replied ”what, who are you?” to which I responded….”umm I mean..uhhh F it bro, I mean…. F it up bro…umm sorry, I am not smart.” Not cool at all. Indianapollis 31 Houston 27

Tampa Bay at Denver – Brandon Marshall  is the best young receiver in the game, and you may be able to take out the young part. No matter how good he gets, BM will never be cool initials. “BM.. will you marry me” nope, doesn’t work.  Between Cutler, Marshall and Eddie Royal (Greatest rookie receiver of all time, don’t question me, I got him on waivers, I am allowed to overrate him) this team should have a dynamic offense for years to come. The problem is Denver has gone way to far with the equal opportunity thing. Apparently they only employ defensive tiny people. If you ask me, I think they should play regular sized lineman, or at least consider a show on TLC called “Big League, Tiny Lineman.” Apparently the weight restriction for a Denver defensive player is 160 pounds, that seems like an error if philosophy. Tampa does not abide by the same weight restrictions so they should be able to run the ball, but KC’s run total last week should force Denver to tweak their defensive schemes. Look for a lot of eight man fronts. Tampa’s defense is solid and Monty Kiffin is the greatest defensive coordinator not named Jim Johnson, but Denver has too much firepower. Denver 27 Tampa 24

Buffalo at Arizona - Last week Kurt Warner looked like he was playing hot potato with a flaming acid, fireball. I have never seen a Quarterback so desperate to drop a football. With Anquan Boldin recovering, Steve Breaston will make a name for himself. Buffalo still isn’t running the ball awfully well, but they are solid in  every other facet of the game. I am sniffing an upset here, but I think the Bills Marcus Stroud might floss his teeth with Kurt Warner. Bills 24 Arizona 20

New England at San Francisco – eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww – as my ex girlfriend use to say when receiving any present that wasn’t from Tiffany’s. If you had told me that New England would have been in any eeewwww games this year I would have smacked you in the mouth and called you Peaches. But here we are Peaches. New England 23 San Fran 20

Cincinnati at Dallas – I said I wouldn’t pick against the Cowboys until they lost, so let the floodgates open. Dallas 72 Cincinnati 20- Despite getting this win (that’s right its already over) I must say this, is any team in the NFL built any worse for adverse situations? One loss and the team reacts like the apocalypse is upon them.

Pittsbugh at Jacksonville- The Steelers will be starting Franco Harris in a wheelbarrow at running back. Despite the injury, the Jaguars are even more banged up, and yet they have started to fortify after their early season losses. This game is as smash mouth as it gets. If you wanted to imagine a game that would be more smash mouth, you couldn’t. You could try but you would be crushed. This game is so smash mouth there is a chance everyone who plays will be injured after the 1st quarter, thats how smash mouth it will be. So smash mouth that half way through the game we will hear the term smash mouth over 25 times. Over under on smash mouth is 42. Smash mouth football is so smash mouth. It takes the average person 14 mentions of the words smash mouth before they completely forget what the term means, thanks John Madden your so smash mouth. Pittsburgh Smash Mouth’s 27 Jacksonville slightly less Smash Mouths 23

Minnesota at New Orleans – This comes down to how smash mouth the Vikings can be. Wait, wrong game, but still true. The Vikings are built for the run, and if they get down early they have no answer with their air attack. New Orleans will get on top early and the Vikings will panic like a Wooly Mamoth in an ice storm. That makes no sense for so many reasons, none of which I am willing to tell you about.                New Orleans 23 Minnesota 17

 There it is folks, and I am oooooouuuuuutttaaa here. To my 3 readers at Aico…you rule.