A Very Bad, No Good, Horrible Week…and Picks
Before I get to the picks, let me say this, I may be having one of the worst week of my life. Quick recap: Click on “read more” if you are soleless, and are using me for my keen intellect, but if you have a care, read on.
Sunday - I get all “Mike Martz” in my post and decide it’s time to play genius and on three seperate 3rd and one’s I call these plays, reverse, double reverse, double reverse flee flicker fumblerooski with an option to buy, out of the wing T (what, it could work – losing my mind and yelling – YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THE WING T sobbing no, YOU don’t understand). Those plays represent my Arizona, Houston and Chicago picks. The second I made those picks, I knew what I was doing. I was saying “look at me and how smart I am. I sleep with Heidi Klum and Carmen Electra on top of each other.” Safe to say, 12-3 went straight to my head. I sleep alone. I am stupid. I am Mike Martz’s Madula Ablongada (by the way is it possible that he is turning the niners offense around? I submit no, not yet)
Monday - I wake up with a raging cold and I am staring at my arm pit hair flapping in the breeze, a bizarre sight and a bad omen, I think.
Tuesday - I wake up again, a good thing, and then something happens that is almost indescribable. But I am supposed to be a writer, so here goes. Immediately upon waking up I notice my bottom row of teeth are in front of my top row (not too weird) so I pull them back. Remember, I have just woken up, so I may have done this a bit too quickly. Then, in what can only be described as a cannibalistic act, my bottom fang tooth (its a technical term) attacks my top fang (incisor) as though it were in a gang war over turf, thus leaving my top fang a shell of its former self, literally. My bottom tooth seems quite smug over it’s dismembering and just sits there doing nothing, but I am rather perturbed at the sudden realization that I have an audition for a Crest commercial that day (no joke – yes I do commercials, what? Lay off me I’m having a bad week). After the audition my agent calls and leaves this message “Um David, your teeth…ummm get them fixed…..LIKE NOW!” Awesome.
Wednesday - After writing my “Instilling Fear” post, I get quite a few hits and some nice comments (that makes me happy if anyone cares, that’s right I am a comment whore). The Mets at this point have turned me into “Dr Jekyll” and “Mr. I will break every inanimate object in my apartmet Hyde.” My cold rages on.
Thursday - Did Rick Resh, another great writer on Giantsfootballblog.com, just write the same article as myself, only two days later? I may be delirious from all the cold medicine, but it looks eerily similar, and now I think I may have started a war between writers. I love you Rick, in fact I took your advice from your latest post, “Five Keys to Beating the Bye Week,” and just invented a new game called “Metchoke.” This is where you choke out another person every time the Mets choke, it’s so much fun! I have now racked up 6 kills, and my dog, who was choked out after the Brewers win. Kind of like a bonus level, like 3-2 on Mario brothers, but instead of turtles you get a big dead dog – yay – awww suddenly I miss my dog now. The bye week still sucks Rick.
Friday - Unfathomably, my cold is still raging on, like this Palin woman. It just won’t go away. Met’s lose. Brewers win. But some good news on the Plaxico front. Plaxico reached an agreement with the Giants. That sounds like a positive? The agreement allows him to retain some money (ok, good news for Plax, and now onto the fans), but he still won’t play against the Seahawks (sorry, how is this good news for me or the Giants?). I just choked out my already dead dog……again, love ya Norm.
Ok, that was fun, now lets get to the picks. Last week I went 8-7 and for the year I am 20-10. I did not pick week one, becuase that’s what you do. You leave out week one. Stop asking so many questions!
Cleveland at Cincinnati
I dub thee “The Battle of Danielson.” Think about it, everyone has seen Karate Kid. The only reason to watch it from the outset, is to see Daniel get humiliated again and again by Cobra Kai. If you didn’t watch the early embarrassments you wouldn’t have the same appreciation when Danielson beats Johnny (William Zabka – evil villian in every 80′s movie ever made) with the Crain Kick to overcome all odds. One of these teams (Browns or Bengals) is Danielson, the other is the second to last fighter on Cobra Kai, who almost looked as good as William Zabka but clearly was beat out for the role and got stuck being “the second to last fighter on Cobra Kai.” For the record I can still see that guys face, but he was no Zabka. Cleveland is Danielson, I think. Cleveland 30 Bengals 24
Minnesota at Tennessee- I keep picking against Tennessee and why stop now? I’ll tell you why, they have allowed negative 78 points in their first three games. Cortland Finnegan is the greatest racially confusing name ever and Keith “JIM J” Bullock tried to eat a punter last week. Gus Frerrote, or as I call him Dick Slinker, is still a used car salesman, and although he has a beamer in the shop, ol’ Dickie’s best sales pitch is a flash of his yellow teeth and an awkward rub up against your maneuver. Tennessee 20 Vikings 14
Denver at Kansas City -“My offense is so potent that in the next segment I’ll make all of the ladies in the first three rows pregnant.” Ladies and Gentleman I give you the Denver Broncos offensive unit. Herm Edwards decided that bringing in Bobby Thigpen from the bullpen wasn’t a great idea, despite having 57 saves in one year. If you listen to ESPN carefully they will let you know that Kansas City has drafted well and there is talent on this team. However none of that talent is at the quarterback position. This does not bode well for Chiefs fans, but in another way it does. If they finish poorly, which they will, they should be able to get a top flight QB in the draft and have a solid unit already built around him or her (what it could happen ?- be PC people). Kansas City tops my list of teams that will turn a corner quickly in 2009/10, but for now Denver 101 Kansas City 28 Denver ties Wilt Chamberlain for points scored in one game.
San Francisco at New Orleans- In the last 2 weeks the 49ers have scored a combined 64 points. New Orleans has scored 56. That’s good for me. Niners 64 New Orleans 56. Nope thats’s not fair, the niners have not played against a solid defense yet, and this is just the point when Mike Martzunveils plan “I am smarter then you, I have three sets of genitalia.” That never works out, then again New Orleans is without Colston and Jeremy Shockey (an injury which delighted many on the Shmiants Shmessage Shmoards – again not sure If I can mention the site by its real name). After a week in which I turned into Mike Martz’s patella tendon I refuse to pick his team. No more flip flopping, said the husband to the wife: New Orleans 28 San Francisco 24
Arizona at New York – This is the obligatory early season “must win” for the Jets. No matter how talented Arizona gets, no one ever trusts this team. Occasionally they upset a team, and everyone starts raving about Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. But then they realize they can’t name 3 other players. Adrian Wilson and Carlos Dansby should get more recognition, but eh, who cares? They haven’t been in the playoffs in about 96 years, playoffs? Did you say Playoffs? Go back to sleep Coach Mora.
Chansi Stuckey and Dwight Lowery are making that draft look better and better despite Vernon Gholston and his Ultimate Warrior like muscles averaging .3 tackles a game. Quick update on Gholstonfroma Jet lover my friend Faz:
Faz – I like arms, yep, a defensive end should have guns.
Me – But Faz he’s looked awful. I think in the preseason game the Giants blocked him one on one with Jeff Feagles
Faz – What? Feagles? Oh ha ha ha, very funny. Whatever Lowery looks good.
Me – So you’ve given up on Gholston?
Faz – No, he has guns!
Me – So he is a workout warrior, with no actual football skill?
Faz- How about the Mets chooo….aaaaaaaaaa ( my hands around his neck as I play yet another glorious round of metchoke)
Jets 24 Cardinals 23
Green Bay at Tampa Bay – Ok, so perhaps going up to a woman with your genitalia attached to your forehead, upside down, is not the equivalent of starting Brian Griese. Thats said, Griese’s 400 yard performance was listed as the all time worst 400 yard performance. So, basically, I pick up a hot woman with my genitalia on my forehead. I pass out mid hook up, wake up, finish the deed, only to roll over in the morning and find myself face to face with my cleaning lady and her arm pit hair is flapping in the breeze. Either way, the deed was done, and Greise eeked out a win. Now lets see “Mr. Genitalia head” do it twice. No cleaning lady this time. Wait, I like what I wrote, but I think Tampa will win, so lets just say that this particular cleaning lady has very loose morals. Tampa Bay 24 Green Bay 21
Atlanta at Carolina – “Tonight we dine in Hell. ” Coach Fox’s defensive preparation for Matt Ryan with Julius Peppers playing the role of King Leonidas. Sorry Matt, but it is going to be a long day. I write that as though he is actually reading this. I can just see him at one am reading this blog, a tear running down his cheek as he turns off the light and heads for bed. Well, Matt, one good thing is that you have Michael “Thighs” Turner on your team. Michael’s thighs should have their own lifetime original movie. “Michael Turner gets beaten to death by his own thighs, on a new lifetime original, starring Meridith Baxter Burney as Micheal Turner, and Micheal Duncan Clarke as his thighs.” Carolina 24 Atlanta 14
Houston at Jacksonville – I am still unsure how a team loses 3/5ths of their starting offensive line and still finds a way to beat the Colts (I know the Colts have their own issues, but still it’s a mighty feat). Houston reminds me too much of Arizona. You hear the names of Mario Williams and Andre Johnson and you are immediately transported into a dreamy fantasy world of flat screen tv’s and women named Misty. Then someone asks you who their running back is and you are pimp slapped back to reality with drool hanging off the edge of your face, completely bewildered! By the way it’s rookie Steve Slaton and he is over 5 yards per carry. So you really should know him by now. Still there is no team in Houston, just a bunch of individuals. I can say that because I don’t watch them every week and that’s the type of generalizations you get from NFL analysts who don’t watch the team week to week. That said, I have tried to watch every game’s extended highlight package on the NFL network to be better informed. The key word being “tried.” Still I think that is better then most. I am looking directly at every analyst in football, except for Jon Clayton who considers football pornography. He may have something there. Jacksonville 24 Houston 17
San Diego at Oakland – What is the difference between Al Davis and George Steinbrenner? No, seriously this isn’t a joke, I am curious? Have two owners ever been more annoyingly meddlesome and yet respected at the same time. They are both considered jokes, and then praised for caring about their respective teams all in the same breath. I’m confused. Which is it? Antonio Comrartie and Nnamdi Asomugha are not only the two best corners in the NFL, their names are entirely impossible to pronounce. After trying to say their names for the last ten minutes, I turned on the lifetime channel in frustration and caught the end of the Michael Turner story, and his Thighs just choked him out….sad. San Diego 30 Oakland 14
Buffalo at St Louis – Buffalo got a huge scare from Oakland last week. That should set them up nicely for the “we can’t get trapped after almost getting trapped” game. Trent Green is not the answer. And what’s even worse is that Steven Jackson agrees, publicly. Not a good sign for Scott lInnehan. Indoors the Rams may be able to put up an early fight, but the addition of Marcus Stroud has been amazing for that Buffalo defense. The Bills have had trouble with the ground game. The Rams should be able to help out with that. Careful fantasy owners, Marshawn Lynch is about to run over someone, and I don’t mean in a car and then drive off (what? what did I say?) Buffalo 24 Rams 17
Washington at Dallas – I said it last week and I will say it again, I will not pick against Dallas until they lose. They are ginormous. That offensive line is like a stampede of Rhinoceros, otherwise known as a STOMPROCIS (its science). Dallas 28 Redskins 20
Philadelphia at Chicago – The Eagles defense was spectacular against Pittsburgh, although I wasn’t so sure Pittsburgh wasn’t equally as inept. Philly pounded Big Ben, so I can only imagine what will happen to Kyle Orton. What if they hit him so many times his beard falls off? That’ll show him, for being the phony he is. I have no idea what that means. Donovan Mcnabband Michael Westbrook are hurting, but will play and that should be the difference. Oh no, don’t do this….yep I am becoming Mike Martz’s knee pit (yep, that part under someones knee, the knee pit) Chicago 24 Philadelphia 20 (I will regret this one, but there is to much talk of the NFC Beast, things have to change, right?)
Baltimore at Pittsburgh- Last week I mentioned all the defenses that were reliving their glory days. I forgot to mention the Baltimore Ravens who are allowing 3 yards a game. Alright, not 3 yards, but the numbers are staggering. Still, the Steelers play fine defense as well, and Joe Flacco has never seen a Linebacker try to eat him whole. Joe Flaccomeet Lamar Woodley, he is the guy gnawing on your ACl, or is that your MCL, it’s so hard to tell these days. Pittsburgh 20 Ravens 10
No “eewwww” game this week, so that should make for good viewing. That’s all I got. Everyone have a great week, it’s bound to be better then last, right?
