Osi Umenyiora’s gone this year and it hurts. It hurts, as a fan, to be punched in the solar plexus before the season even begins. It’s times like these when I wish a Star Trek Marathon did something for me, but I don’t know who Ohura is and quite frankly I don’t care. I care about Big Blue, and I feel like the lonely kid in the corner who didn’t get picked to play dodge-ball, despite having 5 arms. (That’s weird - but still how great would that kid be?) The Giants just lost a player who in the last three seasons had 33.5 sacks. During that span only four players have more sacks then Osi, Shawn Merriman - 39.5, Jason Taylor - 36.5, Jared Alled - 34 and Aaron Kampman - 34.

“Whatever dude, he was undersized anyway,”

This is my friend Faz’s response to the news, but he is a Jet fan. To him, Favre’s touchdown pass to Jericho Cotchery was the equivalent of winning the super bowl, despite the fact that it was called back (apparently Greg Buttle of CBS felt the same way - cause he didn’t stop gushing until the 4th quarter). Lets not be in denial Giant fans, Steve Spagnolo, the Giants defensive coordinator, has built this defense around getting pressure on the opposing quarterback, and we just lost a key cog in that scheme.

Yes, Mathias Kiwanuka will probably go back to end, and Gerris Wilkinson and Danny Clark will probably end up starting at linebacker, but there is one other option. The option that every Giant fan immediately clung to once the news of Osi’s injury was dropped upon us. GET MICHAEL ON THE PHONE……NOW. And here, for you Michael, is a list of reasons why you MUST come back.

1) Michael, unlike Favre (who is still wearing his Green Bay shoulder pads) the Giants would not only welcome you back, they would revere you.

2) Michael, (In my best godfather impersonation) “This would be like doing a personal favor for the family” (especially if that family made you put on pads every Sunday and fight against 300 pound men in order to hit a much smaller man who holds an oblong shaped ball - yeah that kind of family)

3) Michael, boobi, you never really broke LT’s true record. Remember sacks weren’t considered an official stat in Taylor’s early days, so there is still work to be done bubala.

4) Michael you have a chance to win back to back Super Bowl titles (something no team in the history of the NFL has ever done, except San Francisco, Pittsburgh, Denver, Dallas…. OH SHUTUP ALREADY WE GET THE POINT… not you Michael, you can keep talking)

5) How about this Mikey, we retire your number and have you play in the same game - or you could coach one game and make Coughlin line up at end, or you could interview yourself on the sideline during the game (not really funny ideas, nor enticing, moving on)

6) At least 6 million dollars Michala, boobi, six million, think about it my little potato latka. Don’t be meshuga!

7) If you play Michael Shmuel Dovid Strahan I promise to stop speaking like my jewish bubbameister, if not, more shpielkus for you.

8) Michael, lets face it, football is in your blood, you miss it, you want it, you have to have it (oh lord, I feel like the guy from to “Catch a Predator” is going to walk in with cameras right now. )

9) How bad can you make Tiki look, seriously, this should be your mission. The guy once said your contract talks were a distraction, now you can come back, go down in Giant folklore, and still take his job next year. (Sorry Tiki - I still love you, but we don’t need a back, we need our pro bowl defensive end.)

10) Finally Michael, we need you.

ShareThis